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It's quite fascinating how I have tried to avoid looking at sex, sexuality, relationships for so long and now when it's here, I can't stop writing and opening up more and more points.
It's like, going back in time, seeing the Time Line and there are points where I would go like: Ohhhhh, so this is what it was?! Now I understand myself better. And yet, there are many points to still go into, investigate, explore and within that, getting to know myself for the very first time. Getting to know how and why I've designed myself as my mind, why and how have I become what I had become, How and Why I had always repeated the same patters.
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Frankly, I see now that unless I would walk this process, I would most likely to end up as a very depressed human being, never satisfied, never "complete" because I was consistently looking for MORE, while MORE and EVERYTHING was always here, Me though - I couldn't see.
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My next Blog sessions would be about my first relationship with Sex and how from that moment, I've suppressed myself as Sex because I believed it was Wrong/forbidden as I was too young
Also, how and why I broke up with my first boyfriend to be able to explore my sexuality without no one ever finding out as I kept in secret and accordingly, when those partner became intimate with me, and express their feeling towards me - I backed off and broke up with them to be able to maintain the Drama in my life and seek for excitement with males that didn't give a fuck about me and all I was to them was a sexual partner that they can fuck and forget the next day, till they would be Horney again and I'll jump back to their bed for another night, for another adventure; everything to keep the energy going within and as myself.
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Interesting enough, once I settled in with a partner, and started to discover what is intimacy to me, I pushed my partner to much until he broke up with me and I went to a new cycle where I've covered up my depression through sex and attempted to give myself value through the partners I chose to spent time with.
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So you see, my choices with regards to partners were always fucked up and I either used sex to forget how miserable I felt inside myself, or I used Sex to gain my value or I used sex to break the chains that I felt my home environment chained me to; not once, my starting point was to explore, investigate and get to know myself as Sex. Not once, my starting point was to establish and agreement with myself and my partner to support each other with and through communication, intimacy and sex.
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This is why this process is so Awesome because it is always about the starting point and once I redefine the point and change the starting point, I rebirth a part of myself.. And so, slowly but surely we would rebirth as the physical as we step out of our mind through a process of writing, self Forgiveness in self honesty and self corrective statements, walking through the layers of the mind, getting to know our own programming so that we could take responsibility and CHANGE.
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So, let's see where from the SF I would take me..
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Also, I suggest listening to:
What is Sex - Who am I as Sex - Part 30
What is Sex - Why am I as Sex - Part 31
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For more context, please read -
Sexual Expression ? Overview? Day 112
Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Forgiveness Part 1 - Day 113
Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Commitments - Part 1 - Day 114
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Investigating Sexual Expression - Part 2 - Day 121
Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Forgiveness - Part 2 - Day 122
Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Commitments - Part 2 - Day 123
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Spilling semen in vain - Day 115
Spilling semen in vain - Self Forgiveness -? Day 116
Spilling semen in vain - Self Commitments -? Day 117
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Be Fruitful and Multiply - Day 118
Be Fruitful and Multiply - Self Forgiveness - Day 119
Be Fruitful and Multiply - Self Commitments - Day 120
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Sexual Inadequacy - Overview - Day 124
Sex in the Dark ? Sexual Inadequacy?Part 1 - Day 125
Sex in the Dark ? Sexual Inadequacy ? Part 2 - Day 126
Sexual Education - Part 1 - Day 127
Sexual Education - Part 2 - Day 128
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My Partner is Boring - Let's breakup - Day 129
This relationship is BORING - Self Forgiveness - Day 130
My Partner IS BORING - Self Commitments - Day 131
Source: http://mayaprocess.blogspot.com/2012/08/sexual-journey-day-132.html
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